I don’t feel like writing at all at the moment, but I look back through the archives and all the memories and I feel I must ‘carry on’. I feel I must record every moment of magic, to remind myself of what life is all about and leave the drudgery in the gutter to waste. Though lately, with sleep deprivation, colds and lack of time spent in the fresh air and sun, everything’s been overwhelming me. The television has been droning on too much and I haven’t managed to find enough reserve energy to persuade my family to get out in the fresh air – knowing the effort is always worth it in the end.
On Saturday, my oldest daughter returned home from a few amazing days away skiing on Mt Ruapehu with a friend, and I picked up the washing like a robot on automatic.
She’d had a fabulous time and to see her so happy (though exhausted) and hearing her stories was wonderful – but… Sunday morning saw her coming crashing down to earth like a lava rock in an almighty explosion. We all retreated from the kitchen, where the eruption started. There was nothing we could say or do that would stop the flow of molten magma. She had to burn herself out and we had to take shelter. The drama didn’t last long, half an hour tops – but it felt like longer. Once she’d calmed down she was happy to head out with her little sister and I for a trip on the cable car in the Botanical Garden.
I had hoped we’d all head out, as a family, on Sunday morning, but sometimes that’s easier said than done. The morning’s explosion and outfall resulted in everyone feeling in different moods (with the adults simply going for the best option to appease the troops!). So, whilst Charlotte and I took Alice for a trip on the cable car (which was very cute), Dan took Sophie out and they enjoyed some one on one time together.
Now it’s Monday morning. It’s supposed to be the first day of term 3 for my eldest – but she’s at home. She did wake to the alarm clock at 7am, but looked exhausted. She put on her uniform without a grumble, but was shrugging her shoulders and fingering the tight collar of her shirt and tie like a dog with a restraining leash. She tried to have breakfast – but it was evident that everything was just too much and the thought of sitting in a class of 25 (high for a private school) hearing what everyone else had done over the holidays didn’t appeal. I’m glad she’s home and so are her sisters. She’s smiling and relaxed. Tomorrow will be a brighter day (I repeat internally, again and again).
Simmering underneath everything, since April, has been the possibility of an exciting opportunity for Dan – which will mean huge changes for the whole family – but we’re still unable to talk publicly about it, but by the end of August we’ll definitely be able to ‘talk’ (and that will be a huge relief!). I haven’t felt much like blogging over the past few months – with so much going on behind the scenes. The ‘slices of life’ – ‘photo a day’ has been a good distraction – focusing on little things and letting the big picture form in its own good time.
Besides, I feel so busy on the home front that there isn’t so much time to blog. With two children learning at home and one at school there is always so much to do. I don’t feel particularly ‘in control’ but then I don’t wish to run my home like a dictatorship either – but there does need to be a little more balance (not something I’ve ever been particularly good at – apart from when it comes to standing on one leg… I have years of ballet training to thank for that). I don’t have a cleaner, the house is never clean, I’m forever doing laundry, cooking, baking and cleaning. I’m fitting it all in around the children – always torn – whilst washing dishes I’m asked, ‘Play a game?’, ‘Read a book,’ ‘Come paint!’… all very familiar to parents at home with children (and then I put the television or a DVD on and feel really guilty). There are plenty of hours in the day – only I don’t feel I’m making them work well for me.
I’m sat typing here, whilst two of my children are eating and another is doing some study on the computer. I should be scrubbing the bathrooms (I’d cringe if a visitor dropped by). The kitchen floor is disgusting – I just hope visitors to the house don’t cast a downward glance and don’t stick to the floor too much! I don’t know why I’m even writing about such drivel.
I’ve thought about closing down this blog a lot lately. It used to be a way of recording all the magic moments as my children grow, something to look back on and treasure – and a way for me to feel I am achieving something (other than living in a perpetual war of dirty laundry and housework). But now, I feel that I should be spending my time on the computer searching out learning resources, printing off exercises, coming up with creative ideas for my six and two year old, whilst also supporting my nine year old daughter’s learning. Plus, when the evening comes round I don’t feel the impetus to dialogue my day at the moment – it used to help me focus for the next day – but I’d rather escape into a good novel right now.
Excuse me – being asked to hold up some newspaper for my younger two to run through (random, yes – reactionary – yes).
Until the next time, Sarah x