Reflecting and processing all the memories of our trip away

BritMumInNZ

Whilst I was away a friend wisely said, ‘Take your time in processing all your feelings.’

There was so much to take in, during our whirlwind time away. Old friends, familiar places of my childhood, family reunions, different places, people, cultures, architecture, scenery, seasons and nature… my senses were overwhelmed and bombarded from every angle. There were many times I felt tears welling up – not of sadness – but of emotions too powerful to contain in my being. There were times I yearned for a cocoon to hide in, for a few quiet moments, before reawakening to vivid reality.

My youngest child was equally confused, asking, ‘Where’s the sun gone? Can I go to the beach?’ whilst we were in England (our last week, of our week and a half there, was rather grey overhead) – but she quickly adapted to the seasonal difference of flying around the world from spring to autumn, finding fun in the leaves and splashing in the mud puddles.

Alice hiding in an autumnal tree at Grandma and Granddad's house

There was a journey into London, something I used to do with excitement (never was a commuter – that I couldn’t do – too much of a country mouse even then) that completely flattened me. The noise, the motion of so many people, the perceived threats to my safety – and more importantly, that of my children, as heavily armed police patrolled Waterloo station, bowled me over. My children are so used to freely running around, far away from my arms reach, but this wasn’t the place for that level of freedom.

There were many times I was reminded of just how fortunate my family and I are to live in the relative safety of New Zealand (though natural disasters are of course something we acknowledge as a potential risk to our lives). Landing in Los Angeles the passport control officer asked a colleague to give us assistance with all our baggage, saying, ‘You’ll need your arms free to keep your children close by at all times, you can’t let them out of your sight for a moment here’.

My oldest child, in particular, tuned in to the circumstances and protectively looked after her youngest sister. At London Waterloo the anxiety built up in her to the point of ‘fight or flight’ mode and, as she started to shake and well up with tears, asking to get on the train back to the countryside. We found a relatively quiet cafe and tried to give her the chance to find her inner peace. We were prepared to get back on the train if she couldn’t find her calm space, which she eventually did. The crowds on the South Bank of the River Thames were intense. People boarding ‘The London Eye’ were individually scanned to check they weren’t carrying explosives or weapons. We ended up going into the London Aquarium – which was a wonderful experience. The calming background music and various aquarium exhibits made us all feel a sense of ease and distance from the outside.

We didn’t linger in London long after the aquarium, but paused to notice ‘Big Ben’ before heading back to Waterloo. We waited for our platform number to appear on the giant overhead screens, along with a crowd of others. As soon as it appeared there was a rush of people, like a swarm of bees, zoning in on the target platform to get the best seat available on the train (or at least a seat). And it wasn’t rush hour.

It was nice to get back to the countryside and the autumnal fall of leaves.

In under three weeks away we experienced autumn in three places – San Francisco, England and Santa Barbara.

From city fun in northern California…

IMG_3233

Kicking up leaves in the English countryside…

Kicking up leaves in English country garden with Granddad

And swimming in the pool in the eternal warmth of southern California, where the sun always seems to shine…

Santa Barbara swimming in the pool at Bacara resort

All the while, travelling from one place to the next, I was thinking about our future as a family and where we will be over the next five years. It would be so much easier to just know we were staying put in Wellington and get on with bringing up our three daughters the best we can. Parenting isn’t easy at the best of times, but not knowing where we’ll be in the future throws in another challenge.

This time next year we could choose to live in San Francisco, Santa Barbara, or try and negotiate for Dan to work from New Zealand – but they’ll be quite a lot of trips away for him. If we do leave New Zealand’s shores I wonder how long we’ll be away for – or if we’ll return any time soon – maybe we’ll move on to the UK or Dan’s work will keep us in the US for a while. We have one child turning ten next year with the thought of teenage years approaching… So much to think about, whilst trying to stay ‘in the moment’ and positive day by day in family life.

I’d be lying to say I’m coping – to be honest there’s a part of me that is yearning to hide away in a cocoon. I need to find a little zap in me and it’ll be a lot easier when there’s more certainty on our future. I just want to see the goal posts clearly and then I can take a good aim and give everything my best shot for myself and my children.

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10 thoughts on “Reflecting and processing all the memories of our trip away”

  1. Oh hun this post really spoke to me. I know exactly where you are coming from, and remember how it felt when I first arrived in the UK with all the intense security. I regularly go into London but still haven’t got used to the terrorist threat, always on guard. I feel the same way about where will I be in the next few years. Well I know where we’ll be, but I don’t know how it’s all going to come together..if you know what I mean. Your friend is right, you need to take time to process. Hang in there sweetie, you’re a strong lady you can get through it xxx

  2. we are blessed to live in such a relatively safe country

    wonderful photos

    I am praying for your future my friend
    I pray that wherever it may take you and what ever happens I pray for you and yours safety and peace

  3. Wow, loved the photos and so so grateful for you sharing your hard thoughts and not coping-ness….I agree it sucks to be not knowing the future WHEN the children are involved & growing so much – my husband I have had similar deep musing chats this weekend; but we are 5 years behind – about the implications of moving, once the kids upper primary school ages are nigh..it does your head in! Your trip was always going to trigger huge emotions, as you are a feeler, I think, like me, and we have such rich tapestries of emotions: past, present, and future worries or dreams too, so to go home to your childhood home..wow…with the uncertain future too – all understandable, so go gently with your thoughts, and control what you can and let the rest go..

  4. goodness me, what amazing choices. I can relate to the feeling of being overwhelmed. It is quite hard to go through that kind of travel, reminders of the past and then to be in the noise and bustle of somewhere that is supposed to be familiar but no longer is. It can make you feel quite nauseous at times. Will be thinking of you and praying for you as you make your Big Decision!

  7. Thanks hun x I feel somewhat removed from myself at times – as though I’m reading a novel that’s reached a point of uncertainty and I’m guessing which road the character will take (except I am that character!). I’m looking forward to finding the answer 🙂 x

  8. I completely understand where you’re coming from and you put it into words so well. During my last trip back to the UK I felt that overwhelming sense of emotion as well, I found it indescribable and hard to talk about.

    I’ve also moved around the world a lot with my kids over the last 6 years (albeit to live in much less busy places than London!) and each time I’ve felt really apprehensive about the change – but each time we’ve all coped much better than I thought we would and the kids have developed really unique characters from living in all the different environments.

    You will miss NZ for sure, but you’ll create some equally amazing moments and memories for your family in your new home. Good luck!

  9. Thanks so much for taking the time to write reassuringly. Fortunately we don’t have to move, though we do have the opportunity to do so for a period of time – with all relocation expenses covered – so in many ways it’s something that would be amazing to do. I’m just not sure how strong I am to hold it all together! Also, everything is so, so good here that I have not strong impulse to leave or even ‘try’ a different way of living. Ah well, the final decision is yet to be made – we aren’t able to move until mid-way through next year when the visa can be granted anyway.

  10. In my experience, it takes at least a couple of years to feel settled in a new place. If you feel most comfortable in New Zealand and you are truly happy there, then I’d say even with the trips away, it would be much easier for you to stay where you are. There are always adventures to be had and bonuses to being away, meeting new friends and seeing the world in a new light but it can be very stressing depending what type of personality you have (you seem like a nester – I am as well) The more grounding you create for yourself the better a parent you will be. If you feel most grounded in NZ and don’t want to wait a few years to feel that way somewhere else, I recommend trying to stay. You seem so capable and your children are obviously resilient and happy but I’m just playing that card!!!! I wish you all the luck!!! No matter what happens I’m sure you’ll be great.

    Zoie

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