My daughter is unhappy at school with a strict teacher

BritMumInNZ

What to do?

Ever since she returned to school after the long summer holiday she’s been different.

Last year she couldn’t wait to get to new school each day (she started half-way through the year, for term 3 and 4). She would be the first up in the house. She’d make her breakfast and be waiting eagerly for her Daddy to finish getting ready and take her to school. She’d come home from school energized, enthusiastic and so happy. She was gutted when the end of term arrived.

This year, is very, very different 🙁

We’ve been aware of her holding a lot of emotion in. Unfortunately she takes out her feelings of frustration and unhappiness on her middle sister – two and a half year’s younger and being home-educated due to being unhappy in a school setting (there’s a pattern here…).

Well, this year she’s reluctant to go to school every day, lacking in energy, unenthusiastic. She complains that she sits with her hand in the air for most of the day without her questions ever being answered. She says maths is too easy… and then it’s too hard – as she’s told to use ‘number lines’ to add up 233 + 313, which she can already do it in her head – so why is she being made to do it on a number line – it frustrates the hell out of her – but she doesn’t feel able to discuss the matter with her teacher.

The ‘topic’ of the term is about ‘themselves’ (she’s 8!). She’d much rather learn about space or dinosaurs, planet Earth and the nature around her (when she gets the chance to escape the classroom). Lessons consist of predominately maths and english. She yearns for more science.

On the up side – she does love French and Art (with different teachers). She enjoys the extra-curricalar sports, music and drama classes.

But, what to do with her unhappiness at being in a classroom where she feels scared. It sounds like the teacher is running the class-room with military precision (she tears pages out of books when the work’s not up to standard – apparently). All we know is our daughter says, ‘It’s just not interesting like it was last year and I don’t feel able to ask a question’.

As parents, what frustrates us the most, is that we switched to a private school half way through last year, in the hope of a happier school girl. It seemed the perfect fit and she was, truly, thriving last year in her new school. She made the choice to attend the new school. She asked to go there. She asked for, ‘More challenges, smaller class size, single-sex,’ (though she has many friends who are boys she found them distracting in a class of 30 children). We weren’t sure – wondering how she’d cope making new friends (she said she was fine and looked forward to having the opportunity to meet new people – and indeed she settled in so fast and is very popular with her peers). It’s so hard to see her so unhappy, especially after such a promising start last year.

Last year, in her two terms at her new school, she missed maybe one or two days of school.

This term, already, she’s been absent at least one day a week (last week it was three days). Yes she’s had a cold and still suffering some hayfever, but last term she would definitely have soldiered on. She’s not eating properly – lunch box barely touched and throwing dinner secretly out of her bedroom window. When she stops at home for a day she eats really well and wants to do maths on the computer, read books and learn.

It’s so sad to see her so unhappy and also very frustrating when we’re paying huge school fees that we can’t really afford (the mortgage is being paid off a hell of a lot slower than it was!). I know this is all very personal to ‘put out there’ on this blog – but this is reality and it’s affecting us as a family. I find it amazing that so many people never mention their children having a ‘hard time’ at school. It’s like there’s an ‘image’ to keep up of, ‘My child loves school, is thriving and is wonderful…’

Well, when our children are unhappy at school they either tell us, or show us with emotional outbursts – which we eventually discover the root cause of. I’ve heard some parents say, ‘My child is grumpier since being at school or there’s a lot of back talk of a negative kind.’ I know when my children are like that – it’s because often they’re experiencing an unpleasant feeling at school, away from the home, that they can’t always put into words. Of course they are meant to respect their teachers and there need to be rules and consequences for inappropriate behaviour, but this should be earned in my eyes – not dictated. When our children are under the guidance of a positive, inspiring teacher, with clear boundaries, they thrive and are happy at home and school. But, we are currently experiencing the polar opposite.

I did what an Internet loving mother of this age would do and ‘Google’ searched for some answers. If you’re experiencing a similar situation you may be interested in the links below. For us, we’re going to meet with the head of the junior school and see if our daughter (who is youngest in her class) can maybe go into the Year 4 class instead – where she’ll not be the oldest and will be with a teacher we all love and admire. Her current teacher leaves middle of next term (we don’t know who the replacement is), but we’d rather have our happy, confident girl back than risk waiting. It’s heart breaking to see her feeling so suppressed.

Links:

My child is having a hard time adjusting to a strict teacher. What can I do? – from Babycenter.com

The Strict Teacher v. The Fun Teacher – Teach. Travel. Taste.

What to do when your child hates his teacher – msnbc.com – TODAY

Strict parents raise better kids – what they do differently

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20 thoughts on “My daughter is unhappy at school with a strict teacher”

  1. Sorry to hear she’s not enjoying it.  I have found that having a good or bad teacher is the make or break of whether a child likes school or not (it’s not so much to do with whether the school itself is “good” or “bad”, it’s all up to the individual teachers the children get!)

    Is she Year 4 or 5 this year?  My boy (aged 9) is Year 6, but youngest in his class, but is in a year 5/6 combo (good social fit for him) with an amazing teacher who he loves.  My girl (aged 8) is a bright Year 4, but in a Year 3/4 combo, which she finds dull and boring…. 🙁

  2. Good to have a meeting with the powers that be and talk over everything…as you say all was going so smoothly and just hope it all resolves itself soon…..thinking of you heaps…big hugs.

  3. I hope you are able to resolve things by talking to the school. It must be painful to see Charlotte unhappy when she enjoyed school so much in her last class. Perhaps a change of class teacher and working with older children will do the trick. Good luck with the meeting.

  4. oh sarah, my nose is all prickling up, how awful. interestingly, my littlest (mickey mouse, 10) is suddenly very disillusioned with skool too, and his teacher sounds of a similar temperament. she’s early twenties, and perhaps that makes a difference to her view of ‘control’ vs power-sharing..? difficult to rationalise in the mind of the child who is having skool ‘done’ to her/him.. having said that, there’s so much pressure in the classroom in terms of content and curriculum restraints, national standards schmuckystuff etc. i do hope for a wonderful outcome of the meeting for you > here’s to happiness for all x x

  5. Poor Charlotte, and you all. I know what a huge thing it is when your kids are unhappy, it filters through and effects the whole family. I hope you find a way to work it out, no, I KNOW you will, you guys are amazing parents. Stand your ground and don’t be afraid to get a little stroppy if you have to.

  6. Best wishes for a positive outcome love. It sounds like you are doing all the right thinking about ways you can help turn this around. Big hugs xx

  8. Awww Sarah I’m so sorry to hear that C isn’t happy at school right now. Am sure as seems such a good school that they will move her and all of this gets resolved very soon for you – you put so much into your girls and are a wonderful mom x hugs to u x

  9. This is tough stuff for you to be dealing with. Charlotte’s love of learning deserves to be nourished and encouraged and meeting with the Head of Year should (hopefully) help to set the course right again. As an ex teacher (well, still am, just being mum for awhile), it is really helpful to come super prepared to a meeting – list specific concerns and maybe even get C to write down her feelings and concerns. I’m sure you don’t need to be told this but I just really feel for you all. Good luck!

  10. Hi, I’m a sometimes reader of your blog and a primary school teacher as well as mum of 3.  I really feel for you! We’ve been where you are and had one particularly challenging year with one of our children, made all the more awkward by the fact that they were a colleague of mine! For the most part our philosophy is that we can’t always change the situation for our children, but we can make home a safe, nurturing, encouraging place to help them through the difficult times.  So we’ve never removed our children from a class, but have helped them cope with the difficulties and work on their attitude to that situation.  I feel in the long run it helps build resilience and give them coping strategies.  Now that our kids are older (2 in high school, 1 at intermediate) we can see that resilience and a lot of it was learnt in the tough times.  It is never easy though.  The fact that the teacher is leaving next term  would give me the incentive to perservere with the situation.  All the best; I know it’s not easy. 

  12. I’m so sorry.  I admire the approach you’re taking – talking with your daughter, looking for the root cause rather than ignoring it, and scheduling a meeting with the school.  I think it’s good to get everyone together to brainstorm and decide what way is best.  Thinking of you all!

  13. At only age 6, our daughter has had 3 different teachers already due to us moving around a bit (we won’t be doing that any more though!). 

    We noticed that with one of those 3 teachers, DD’s personality changed completely. At the time we put it down to the move, but in hindsight we now realise it was because she was scared of her teacher. She was nice enough, and a good teacher, but  her personality type was strong, confident, loud, very strict, and she just plainly scared our daughter who was terrified of getting anything wrong in front of her.  

    Our daughter quickly changed from someone who loved learning and being a confident, happy thing, to suddenly not wanting to go to school, losing interest in reading and writing, scared to put up her hand in class, not sleeping at night, etc. As she was so little she couldn’t put into words how she was feeling about her new teacher, so we were just left guessing. 

    Once she moved into the next class (with a new teacher), we were completely amazed to see the change in her. She changed completely back to her old self overnight. Her new teacher quickly identified what last year’s problem had been, without any input from us. I had no idea what effect a teacher could have on a young child until now. I just wish I’d realised what the issue was at the time so we could have dealt with it then. 

    You are lucky your daughter is able to tell you her concerns, and I’m sure she feels lucky to have you there to hear them. It sounds like she is mature and sensible enough to be able to deal with it (with your help!), and knowing she has your support… good luck! 

  14. Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a supportive comment. Things are much improved since hubbie had a good, open, friendly chat with the head of the junior school – who then spoke to our daughter and our daughter’s teacher. Sometimes these things just need to be brought out into the open and have a different light thrown on them 🙂 All’s well this week thank goodness!

  16. Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a wise, supportive reply. Things are much improved since having had a good, open, brainstorm all round. We feel relieved and assured that our daughter will indeed ride through this patch and definitely be stronger for it 🙂

  17. Thank you Belinda, your supportive words really helped. Charlotte really opened up and after a good chat with her head teacher everything is looking a lot better.

  18. Thanks so much Ruta, all is much better since a good, open talk with her head teacher. Charlotte was very mature and articulate in opening up with her frustrations and, with a new light on the areas concerned, things are improving 🙂

  19. Thanks Cesca, things are improved since having a good, open talk with the head of the junior school. It’s amazing the difference when everything’s talked through and in the open. Charlotte’s definitely happier this week (she’s in a Y5 class – turns 9 end of June) and coming home with lots of ‘merit points’ – so she’s feeling noticed ;0) She’s still not quite the same bubble of happiness she was – but she’s toughing it out with resilience and we feel more assured that the rest of the year will become brighter again 🙂

  20. Cheers Katie. A good, open meeting has definitely helped. Charlotte’s much happier – and suddenly receiving a lot of ‘merit points’ ;0)

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