Needing sleep

BritMumInNZ

And now she lies here blowing raspberries at me like it’s all a big joke.

1.32 AM my clock reads.

She’s fed and slept, but I’ve snatched only pockets of twenty minutes sleep at a time.

Third night in a row.

Hubbie took her downstairs. He said kindly, ‘Get some sleep love.’

But as I snuggled into the pillow I thought, ‘What’s the point, as I’m not going to be given the luxury of deep restorative sleep, this is just a teaser.’

My head hurts.

Coffee won’t fix this in the morning.

How will I have the patience to mother three children.  Disagreements and grumbles will be intolerable to deal with.  They take careful mediating, distractions, careful guidance from a gentle voice.

Modelling good behaviour 24/7 takes stamina and the patience of a saint.

I hate the angry knot of tired frustration within me right now. I hate my children seeing me like this; losing my rag, shouting for peace, crying in shame and asking to be forgiven again. 

I want to enjoy these two weeks of school holidays with them and not be beaten down by sleep deprivation. I don’t want Alice to be labelled as the cause, though through no fault of her own she is.  

I hope this virus, that has struck poor Alice, fades into oblivion fast.

I need sleep. For without it I fear a cloud of angry depression will knock at my door. It’s visited before; when the torture of sleep deprivation drove my serotonin levels so low that only medication helped to restore the balance.

My senses dulled. I lose my appetite. I eat only because I need to, not for pleasure. I walk through the supermarket and fail to smell the aroma of freshly baked bread. 

I break down and cry when folding laundry; it all seems too hard.

I thump the wall with a fist of frustration when bickering drives me to breaking point. A vicious circle. If I don’t reign in my temper it will infect everyone like a plague.

How I hate to be the one to carry the weighty responsibilty of the mood of the family. 

I want time out for me. I need just 10 minutes – or should that be 36 minutes – one for every year. Time to let it out into a pillow that won’t be scarred by my tears, just damp with pity.

Then I’ll feel better, for a while.

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8 thoughts on “Needing sleep”

  1. Not sure if it will help – but don’t worry you are not on your own everyone (with kids) has been there. You can still recognise this as a blip, so you can still pick yourself up.

    I often repeat the mantra ‘and this too will pass’, so far they have passed – tomorrow’s another day, leave the washing until then. Take care xo

      Cheers cous, your words are just what I needed. It wasn’t such a bad day today, though poor Alice isn’t her usual happy self. Treating myself to a little red wine before bed tonight. Love to you and family, Sarah x

  2. PS as it’s the holidays make it a lazy day – everyone pile in bed and stay in PJs all day – TV for a day has yet to damage a child

  3. Oh Sarah, I do feel for you. Sleep deprivation is so wearing and there seems to be do end to it. But it will end, slowly your sleeping time will lengthen until one day you realise that you’re getting a full night’s rest. And be assured that your girls will love you without qualification and they do understand that there are days when you are having a bad day. Bad days are normal when you have children, no one who has children is serene, diplomatic and cheerful all day long – not unless they’ve sent their kids off to boarding school or have a full time nanny.So enjoy the smiles and gurgles and let the rest pass in a blur.

      Thanks Ruta. Alice is unwell, hence requiring lots of night cuddles, rocking and loving Temperature down today, but she’s got a rash and not her usual happy self, poor love. Here’s hoping tonight is a little better; thankfully today wasn’t too bad x

  4. Oh I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It brings it all back. Nothing on this earth wears you down like sleep deprivation. And no-one truly understands what it’s like unless they’ve been there. I know I snap and snarl much more when I’m tired but I agree with Ruta M – your girls will understand that Mummy is tired. My eldest does some little jobs for me when it’s all a bit much and seems to like it (sorting socks, laying the table etc).

    I do hope you get some rest soon. Take care!

      Thanks so much. My eldest is quite helpful and getting to an age where she’s beginning to genuinely think of others. My dear Sophie though is a firecracker and needs a serious daily run, like a little puppy dog, to keep her happy! Today was a better day and I’m just hoping Alice gets over this virus and back to her happy self soon, Sarah x

  5. Oh honey. I hope that Alice is now feeling better, and is on the mend. I hope that things can get back into some semblance of normality for you. What bad timing that it is school holidays and you are feeling so so tired. Try to pamper yourself with lots of really good energy food (even though I know you don’t feel like eating). Lots of bananas, berocca, and anything else that will give you the energy you so need.

    Be kind to yourself. Don’t worry about any moments where you find yourself unable to respond with a smile. Children are so forgiving, and they love so unconditionally that any moments where patience escape you will be soon forgotten.

    You are such a wonderful mumma to your girls, and sometimes we do find ourselves with nothing left in the tank, and nothing more to give. And that’s OK. This too will pass my love. Big hugs.

    Meg

      Cheers Meghan, so kind of you and I hope your boys are all better now too x I was a good lass and topped up with a banana (and a couple of strong coffees!), Sarah x

  6. I too am feeling really unlike myself today. I wonder if the grey dark clouds and rain sucks the energy and enthusiam out of us? S.A.D coupled with sleep deprivation is a nasty combination.

    I need to breath in the fresh crisp wind and I need the sun to brush against our cheeks….how I miss it so…

    Try and catch some extra zzz’s where you can and let’s re-do this day tomorrow.

    Let me know how you go 😉

      Thanks and hope there’s a stretch of blue sky days for us all real soon 🙂 Today was okay and I am just hoping for a bit more sleep tonight. All the best, Sarah x

  8. Keep smiling out there Sarah. It won’t last forever. Seeing your Mum and Dad tonight, we’re meeting up at the jade palace.

      Thanks xx Have a fabulous meal and hugs all round. We really wish we could be with you all, lots of love xx

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