Change

BritMumInNZ

It’s happened before and it’s happening again.

I thought I’d escaped it this time, but the pricking sensation behind my eyes was back. I wanted to cry, just because. There was no rhyme or reason. The children’s laughter was heard, but not felt. The bread was fresh, but not smelt. The flowers, so pretty brought no aroma to my nose. All senses dulled.

I see it now. The signs are clear. It started with a run; little did I realise then that I wasn’t merely running for health, but running away. The darkness was chasing me and trying to push me down, but this time I am standing strong and fighting back before it beats me.

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They call it depression. It has such a bad name, when what it is can be physically explained. Give a woman six month’s of sleep deprivation and a baby to feed, exclusively from her breast, and see how well she is at the end. Her body has been giving for many months. Her baby starts to wean and hormones start to change. The prolactin that brought such an intense mother-baby bond, starts to drop. The mother’s serotonin levels have plummeted, exacerbated by lack of sleep, and yet her physical energy is beginning to return. She needs something to shift the change in mood, the hormones, the energy levels.

In the past, I’m ashamed to say, I took short cuts to cope with the change. I started to drink alcohol, not much, but every day, come 5pm, I was hanging out for a tipple. After Sophie I picked up a cigarette and had secret smokes, feeling totally ashamed. I sought help from the doctor, but I’d already let the rot set in.

This time is so different. I have had barely a drink of alcohol since Alice was born. And smoking is something I never, ever want to return to. I have a clean slate and though depression is tapping on my door I am not going to let it spiral out of control. The running was the beginning of my fight. But it’s not enough. I need a little medical help to keep me balanced day to day. Just a little to restore the chemical balance in my brain so that the colours return and the sweet scent of freshly baked bread is an aroma I can delight in as normal.

So, today I started on a low dose of anti-depressents. I also went for a run. I am extremely grateful to have such a supportive husband. Dan, you are AMAZING. We haven’t been out together in over six months. I have been going to bed when the children go to sleep for months. Baby Alice sleeps with me. But though we haven’t had couple time, we still have such a strong connection and we know that this too shall pass. We hold hands, we smile, we laugh, we hug. We snatch kisses in fleeting moments and exchange meaningful glances. We met so young, when I was just 18, and have had such amazing times together that give us such strength to draw upon when things get tough.

Things are changing and I am positive I shall come out on top, stronger than ever. And I am so thankful to have the most amazing family that understand and support me, as I do for them with all that my heart can give.

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Please visit Sleep is for the Weak’s ‘Writing Workshop‘ which is on ‘Change’ this week and please take a couple of minutes to sign the Save the Children petition to ‘Press for change‘, to make the reality of a child under 5 still dying every three seconds in countries like Bangladesh a thing of the past. Thank you x

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17 thoughts on “Change”

  2. im glad u have caught it and recognise that feeling of change before it totally drags you under…i to know that feeling all to well. im glad u have the support u need to overcome this and u are already showing the strength that you have by posting about this. very well written, thankyou for sharing 🙂

  3. This post really moved me, I can relate so much. Keep on running, and those endorphins will come and find you again.

  5. Sarah, you know I can relate, you’ve been there for me wih my struggles. My heart goes out to you as you battle this thing with the awful name! There is nothing in this world that can describe those wonderful men that stand by our side. I hope the medicine helps, you deserve nothing less than a beautiful life. So glad you’re able to keep the romance alive in your marriage, that’s a big thing. I’m here for you 🙂 and I agree, you’re an amazing woman!

  6. Hey there lovely lady,
    once again a beautiful honest post.
    Sometimes naming the struggle some how lessens the power it has over you. So continue sharing, we are all here for you 😉

    my friend Leilani Rorani is fronting the new campaign for pnd. She says the journal available on the depression website is really helpful.

    Hugs and kisses

  7. Such supportive comments above and the clouds will go away and the rainbow of colours will fill your mind again.You do amazing things for your lovely family and this will pass.Take care precious.

  8. What a beautiful post – thank you for sharing your struggle with us. I agree with Meeks, finding a name for it definitely robs it of power. Sending lots of love your way, good on you for taking action and finding such wonderful ways to feel like yourself again 🙂

  9. Totally relate Sarah – have been in that place. Thankfully you have recognised the “black dog” early enough to do something about it, and you WILL get through and enjoy life again.

    *hugs*

  10. It’s a brave and bold thing to take back the power you’ve been losing with such level headed determination. It’s that attitude and that medicinal boost that will bring the sunshine in your soul before you know it. Big hugs across the valley for you xxxx.

  11. Sarah – I was also on medication after Zoe – I had quite bad deppresion, Jules was also amazing and I ended up on medicaiton for him – for our marriage. WE get on so well, but I still blamed my sadness and tears on him….. Anyway, a little bit of medication and exercise got me through in the end – the medicatio is not forever, but it DOES help….. and the sun is coming. My bleesings are with you. Don’t be too hard on yourself and enjoy the little things in life. Donna

  12. I love how open and honest you are lovee, refreshingly so. I pray that your ‘jumping beans – I saw your FB update’ kick in quickly and give you the energy and pick-up that is so needed. Big hugs xx

  13. thanks for sharing
    so brave 🙂

    I had post natal with all my kids

    I have suffered for years with depression too
    and anxiety
    I take meds too

    hang in there my friend
    accept help as it comes
    I thank God you have Dan

    so pleased youve got help and not taken up with those vices

    proud of you
    your very special dont forget that

  14. Sarah I really empathise with you on this one. I’ve struggled with depression for many years. I find that a low dose of antidepressant and a fitness regime helps to keep my emotions in check. It doesn’t zombify me so I cannot feel the shades of grey or disappointments in my life, but it means that I can cope with them and they don’t take me down so low I can never climb back up. Arohanui hun, and keep strong (kia kaha). You are working through this with such a strong, wonderful attitude. Vix x

  15. Love from your wonderful family along with your positive attitude will go a long way towards helping you climb out of this dark time.I’m sure that it won’t be long before the sun will is shining down on your life once more (in all senses).

  17. Hi Sarah,

    Have been meaning to post for ages. Well done on posting how you are feeling and taking steps to tackle your depression!!! You are certainly helping the zillions of people worldwide that have depression – helping ease the stigma. I always look at your posts and blog and think what an amazing woman and what an amazing family! I think it is so hard for us gals to live up to the overwhelming expectation to “have it all”….your honesty and openness is so refreshing. You are obviously so in tune with your emotions, body and mind, which is wonderful and a great gift you must hold on to.

    I hope the medication helps to rebalance everything. Keep us updated, I love your inspiring posts which teaches us that to appreciate the highs we have to have a few lows (but not too low).
    Arohanui – Danielle xxxx

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