I don’t feel like writing at all at the moment, but I look back through the archives and all the memories and I feel I must ‘carry on’. I feel I must record every moment of magic, to remind myself of what life is all about and leave the drudgery in the gutter to waste. Though lately, with sleep deprivation, colds and lack of time spent in the fresh air and sun, everything’s been overwhelming me. The television has been droning on too much and I haven’t managed to find enough reserve energy to persuade my family to get out in the fresh air – knowing the effort is always worth it in the end.
On Saturday, my oldest daughter returned home from a few amazing days away skiing on Mt Ruapehu with a friend, and I picked up the washing like a robot on automatic.
She’d had a fabulous time and to see her so happy (though exhausted) and hearing her stories was wonderful – but… Sunday morning saw her coming crashing down to earth like a lava rock in an almighty explosion. We all retreated from the kitchen, where the eruption started. There was nothing we could say or do that would stop the flow of molten magma. She had to burn herself out and we had to take shelter. The drama didn’t last long, half an hour tops – but it felt like longer. Once she’d calmed down she was happy to head out with her little sister and I for a trip on the cable car in the Botanical Garden.
I had hoped we’d all head out, as a family, on Sunday morning, but sometimes that’s easier said than done. The morning’s explosion and outfall resulted in everyone feeling in different moods (with the adults simply going for the best option to appease the troops!). So, whilst Charlotte and I took Alice for a trip on the cable car (which was very cute), Dan took Sophie out and they enjoyed some one on one time together.
Now it’s Monday morning. It’s supposed to be the first day of term 3 for my eldest – but she’s at home. She did wake to the alarm clock at 7am, but looked exhausted. She put on her uniform without a grumble, but was shrugging her shoulders and fingering the tight collar of her shirt and tie like a dog with a restraining leash. She tried to have breakfast – but it was evident that everything was just too much and the thought of sitting in a class of 25 (high for a private school) hearing what everyone else had done over the holidays didn’t appeal. I’m glad she’s home and so are her sisters. She’s smiling and relaxed. Tomorrow will be a brighter day (I repeat internally, again and again).
Simmering underneath everything, since April, has been the possibility of an exciting opportunity for Dan – which will mean huge changes for the whole family – but we’re still unable to talk publicly about it, but by the end of August we’ll definitely be able to ‘talk’ (and that will be a huge relief!). I haven’t felt much like blogging over the past few months – with so much going on behind the scenes. The ‘slices of life’ – ‘photo a day’ has been a good distraction – focusing on little things and letting the big picture form in its own good time.
Besides, I feel so busy on the home front that there isn’t so much time to blog. With two children learning at home and one at school there is always so much to do. I don’t feel particularly ‘in control’ but then I don’t wish to run my home like a dictatorship either – but there does need to be a little more balance (not something I’ve ever been particularly good at – apart from when it comes to standing on one leg… I have years of ballet training to thank for that). I don’t have a cleaner, the house is never clean, I’m forever doing laundry, cooking, baking and cleaning. I’m fitting it all in around the children – always torn – whilst washing dishes I’m asked, ‘Play a game?’, ‘Read a book,’ ‘Come paint!’… all very familiar to parents at home with children (and then I put the television or a DVD on and feel really guilty). There are plenty of hours in the day – only I don’t feel I’m making them work well for me.
I’m sat typing here, whilst two of my children are eating and another is doing some study on the computer. I should be scrubbing the bathrooms (I’d cringe if a visitor dropped by). The kitchen floor is disgusting – I just hope visitors to the house don’t cast a downward glance and don’t stick to the floor too much! I don’t know why I’m even writing about such drivel.
I’ve thought about closing down this blog a lot lately. It used to be a way of recording all the magic moments as my children grow, something to look back on and treasure – and a way for me to feel I am achieving something (other than living in a perpetual war of dirty laundry and housework). But now, I feel that I should be spending my time on the computer searching out learning resources, printing off exercises, coming up with creative ideas for my six and two year old, whilst also supporting my nine year old daughter’s learning. Plus, when the evening comes round I don’t feel the impetus to dialogue my day at the moment – it used to help me focus for the next day – but I’d rather escape into a good novel right now.
Excuse me – being asked to hold up some newspaper for my younger two to run through (random, yes – reactionary – yes).
Until the next time, Sarah x
Related posts
July 23, 2012 Alice takes a ride on the Wellington Cable Car
July 19, 2013 Things I’m Loving
January 28, 2013 Little Miss Explorer – Wellington’s South Coast
August 10, 2012 Things I’m Loving – Visitors to Welly from Napier!
April 28, 2012 Week in the life | Saturday
March 19, 2012 Weekend snaps
I’m sorry you’re struggling :-/ Sometimes I think we all just need a break and a magic cleaning fairy to whisk through our homes and take care of the mess. We’ve been feeling the winter blues, too, and I’m very ready for summer and good weather to be back.
I can understand having thoughts of shutting down the blog. I’ve felt that way about mine from time to time. I’ve always thought that when blogging becomes more of a chore than a hobby then it’s time to take a break. Maybe taking a blog break for 2 weeks or so will give you time away from it and will help you see how you feel.
Thinking of you!
Hi Sarah x I just want to say that I think you are an amazing person first and then an amazing mom who always strives to give 1000% – I really have loved reading your blog and have always wanted to get back into writing one – it has been nearly 2 yrs I think since I wrote – Facebook came along and it was just easier. What I would say is that Myles looks back on the blogs that we’ve done in the past and watches the videos and loves to do this so I think I will start writing again. I’m not sure with what frequency though and maybe this is what you could look at. It does take a big commitment to keep writing and what to write about? Do we bare our soul or mention all the good things? Do we write every day or once a month? Whatever we do will never be enough – there is always more chore to do,meal to cook, book to read, child to attend to, which comes before us, I guess I just wanted to say hang in there, you are doing an amazing and difficult job and we’d love to see you all up here if you are planning to come x hugs to you my friend Rx
I think we all feel like this from time to time.
I know I can relate anyway!
I really struggle feeling good when my house is beyond messy, and a cleaner for us is absolutely not an option, so I know your pain.
Put some music on (or headphones in while the kids plonk in front of the tele) and grab a big rubbish bag and go through the house and fill it! makes me feel heaps better afterward, then tackle one room at a time with the expectation that IT”S NOT GONNA STAY THAT WAY for long 😉
xx
Hey love, can totally relate. I think it just snowballs…juggling so many balls at a time and trying not to drop any. If you feel like writing, write. If you don’t, don’t. Catching the magic is wonderful, but catching your breath is necessary!
pleased Charlotte had a nice time at the snow
sounds like Sunday turned into a nice day
praying for you and your family and the exciting opportunity for Dan and the huge changes for you allif any visitors do judge you for the state of your house they probably arent worth knowing my dear
while its good to get resources for your children on the computer and I always marvel what a good research tool it is for that I think its also good to have some me time on the computer
I would miss you if you did close your blog up my friend
Hey Sarah,
You are an amazing Mum and an amazing writer… just do what you need to do! Take a break, and take the pressure off at least this area of your life – you’ll get keen again, and we’ll all be waiting!
It is so hard when there are underlying things sizzling, to relax and get perspective again – and having to wait so long before you can ‘talk’ about it makes it even harder. Hang in there, it will get better!
My mantra for times like that is ‘This too shall pass…’, sometimes it is all I have managed to hang onto!
I hear ya hon….it’s so tough to find a balance, and also having to keep from sharing some of the ‘bigger’ stuff at the moment can’t be easy either. Trying to find the balance is exactly why I’ve pulled back a bit from writing so many posts a week knowing I just couldn’t manage it at the moment with everything else going on. I’d be sad if you stopped altogether but maybe a wee break is just the tonic needed….I’m sure it’s all part of the ebb and flow…big hugs…we should still organise that after school meet up, I must must must return Charlotte’s Star Wars books – sorry we have had them so long! If we don’t get to meet up sometime soon I will pop them in the post! xxx Meg
Hi Sarah, not been on your blog for ages, good to see you all look well and oh my the kids so much bigger! You do so well keeping going with your blog. I’ve blogged less the last 6 months but trying to get back into it a little – sometimes you just have to give yourself a break :-). Will try to visit a little more regularly again!!!
“Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though
checkered by failure…than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor
suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat. ”
— Theodore Roosevelt
Hence why, Sarah, you do what you do. You know the true worth of your contribution; to your family and to your friends, who are sharing your experiences and cheering you on from the sidelines.
Hi Sarah,
I dont know you but came across your blogs approx three years ago now. I have been reading it ever since. I type in the web address looking forward to reading about you and your family. I feel like I know you all.
You inspire people who dont even know you, you are a fantastic mum, wife and person, and I think recording all this on a blog is priceless. You are really going to appreciate it in years to come. I know your girls are.
I hope you get your mojo back because I would miss you if you stopped.
Maybe have a break for a while but please come back. xxx
Thank you to everyone for your extremely kind and supportive comments. I’ve responded to most of you privately, but just wanted to say again how uplifted I felt xx
Thanks Rachael, you are so very kind x
Love that Roosevelt quote! x
Thanks Eirlys and I hope you are all keeping well x
Thanks so much Widge – I have been thinking of you as I’ve started to tackle one room – at a time xx